PARENTAL TRAUMA – PART 1

We all have stories about problems we have, or have had, with our parents. How has this affected you? I’ll start:

I was born in July and adopted in October. Things I’ve heard from other adoptees is how they felt when they first learned they were adopted. With me, there was never the “Sit down, we have something to tell you” moment…It was just something I always KNEW. It was always something my whole family knew. It was never hidden from me, so I don’t remember how I felt when I first heard the word “adoption”. I never felt “different” until I got older and started seeing differences in how I was treated and how my other cousins…the “bio-kids”… were treated. The only one who treated me like I really belonged was my paternal grandmother. She was always happy to see me and always made me feel special.

What I didn’t realize until later in life was that I had a narcissistic mother. It was all about her, no matter what. She can turn anything around to be “poor me”. If my room was messy, she would ask how I could do that to her. If I got a C instead of a B, she couldn’t understand how I could do that to her. If I got a B instead of an A, she said she couldn’t believe that I would do that after all she did for me. When I was 5 years old, mom needed a hysterectomy. When explaining an operation to a 5 year old, I’m sure medical terms aren’t used. I believe she said something to the effect of “The doctor is going to cut me and I’ll have stitches”, which I took to mean she would have a “boo-boo”. Well, when she got home, my question was “Can I see your boo-boo?”. My mother than used that as her way of telling me that was how she realized that I was cold and heartless. I was FIVE, not fifteen! I didn’t understand the seriousness. She brought this up for 45 years.

Let me also say that it wasn’t all bad! Being an only child, I had things that my friends with siblings didn’t have. My dad had ulcers and traveling didn’t sit well with him, so when I was 14, I got to go to Spain, Mallorca and Algiers with my mother. We went with a group and were treated to a welcome dinner. I met some other kids my age and we made plans to go horseback riding the next morning. At the dinner, servers would come around with a “bota” and give us all the best tasting wine ever! I never drank alcohol before, and this was part of the custom, so I indulged every time that bota came around! LOL! I was find until I stood up! Damn! I was so dizzy, I sat right back down! I didn’t think this wine, that tasted like ginger ale, could get me so drunk! The next morning, I went with about 5 other kids to go horseback riding. I didn’t realize that no saddles would be involved and my horse was smitten with the guides horse. This meant that my horse jumped over fences, small brooks and anything else her “boyfriend” jumped over! I just leaned forward and hugged that horse so I wouldn’t fall off ! Then there was a side trip to Algiers where no one thought to tell me that girls did NOT wear pants! An angry crowd followed us around until I was told it was my pants, so we had to get me “suitable wear” in the nearest shop.

When I was 16, we went to Athens with a side trip to Rhodes. In Athens, my mother decided that she needed to send me out, alone, for cigarettes! After about 2 hours of roaming Athens alone, I was able to find some American cigarettes. When we got to Rhodes, it was Orthodox Easter, so no meat was served until after midnight mass. That’s when all the restaurants opened and I had the BEST food in the world! We were invited to the village of the bartender at our hotel. My first time on a motorcycle! George’s (yes, they’re all pretty much either George or Nick) family treated us to a giant dinner of lamb and veggies. So good!

While I’ll never forget these trips, I was also never allowed to forget how much I was able to do. The constant reminders of “Look what I did for you.” or “You’re so ungrateful!”. Actually, I was very grateful and every time I talked about these trips, I would always acknowledge that it was my mother who made it all possible. But, as usual, that wasn’t good enough.

I’ve had enough for today. If anyone reading this has similar experiences, let’s chat about it all!